


stuck

by kontent



Series: June 2019 [15]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Introspection, Nothing explicit, Vague References to Everything That Happened in Season One and Two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-20 08:36:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19373110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kontent/pseuds/kontent
Summary: Alex feels… unsettled. The future once seemed so far away, so distant. But nowadays the future seems so close and he has so many choices to make, it overwhelms him. And the past still seems so close.





	stuck

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to post this because:  
> a) I don't have anything else finished for June.  
> b) I had this in my draft for months now.  
> c) it won't get better than this, so I might as well set it free and have more time for other ideas.
> 
> Have fun, I guess. Title sucks, but whatever.

It’s been weeks since Bryce and Justin have been arrested. It still feels unreal – like they are all still waiting for the other shoe to drop, and maybe they are. The judge is supposed to decide Bryce’s sentence today, and Alex feels like he can’t sit around anymore. 

The fact that Hannah’s service was last week makes him feel like he’s standing at the swell of a door and he knows, he knows he’s going to cross it, but he doesn’t know where it will lead him. 

He wanted to be there for Jessica, but she had asked him not to come to court today. He gets it, a little – this is something she has to do for herself. But he still feels useless, like he should be doing  _ something _ , and instead, he’s stuck at home.

He feels… unsettled. The future once seemed so far away, so distant. But nowadays the future seems so close and he has so many choices to make, it overwhelms him. He’s not really afraid of the future, but he’s wary. Maybe it’s just how it’s supposed to be. 

Alex thinks back to a conversation he had with Tony – which was weird in itself, but that’s normal nowadays, too – and his words echo through his head:  _ I think we all stopped believing in a happy end – maybe that’s what you’re feeling _ . Alex had considered it and nodded slowly.  _ Maybe _ . 

And he’s sure that this is part of what he feels, but it’s a lot of things.

With the end of the trial, this whole thing will be over. And at the same time, it won’t. It won’t ever be over.

Alex can see pieces of how it affected all of them – there’s a roughness to every word coming from Clay’s mouth that wasn’t there before. There’s sadness in Justin’s eyes, and regret etched into every line of his face, making him look like a stranger to Alex. There is something anxious in Tony that feels like fear to Alex – as if he’s afraid everyone around him is going to vanish in the next second. And there is pain in Zach’s eyes whenever someone says Hannah’s name, making him drop his gaze to the floor to let no-one see. 

Alex knows that, for them, with the trial, nothing ends. They’ll just have to re-learn to live with themselves, with the edges and scars and nightmares. He’s not sure if it’s just him, but his body feels like a stranger to him sometimes. Like he is watching himself from the outside, like there is his body and then there is his mind, but they don’t belong to each other anymore. Justin seems like he might get it – he sometimes gets this look in his eyes, as if he’s slipping away for a moment. And Tony, he sometimes looks like he’s lost in his own body as if there is this shell of him with muscles and toned skin, but the person inside is too small for it and wears the body like an oversized shirt.

Alex isn’t sure there is something to fix here. Maybe this is just the way that they are now. 

They have all lost parts of themselves along the way. Their happiness. Their sanity. Their respect. Their hope. Sometimes he wonders if anyone could ever deserve that. He wants to say no.

But the truth is - they are not equal. Jessica, Sheri, Hannah, even Clay – they did not deserve the pain. He isn’t sure about Justin, or himself. And then there are the people who haven’t lost anything at all, like Bryce. The injustice of it all makes his skin crawl, makes him want to scream. But that is just another thing he’s learning to live with. 


End file.
